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It’s been a while since I’ve done a blog and I wanted to talk about my mental health and life a little bit.
I had the biggest year on Spotify I have ever had with over 63 million streams this year, it’s something that’s hard to fathom and something I don’t really feel like I deserve but I am so grateful for. My Bipolar and BPD have been really bad lately. I’ve been really struggling with my past and even though I’ve been in treatment for almost 4 years, my past really fucks with me still. I feel disgusting, guilty, shameful, and rotten because of it. I was a horrible, abusive person and needed to change and am thankful I have changed and really started living a life where I treat others with the respect they deserve and just am a good person.
I started treatment in February of 2020 and owe everything to my therapist, psychologist, medication, partner and the support of people who listen to McCafferty. I feel guilty because I have over 500 emails of people writing in about their own mental health journeys and I’m so depressed that I never answer them. To see people who are suffering and want to change experiencing the same things I did moves me deeply and I feel like they deserve better from me. It’s so hard to keep up though when I get an average of about 10 emails a day. I don’t have a big following on social media but my website is very active and I just want to say if you are a person who is struggling, has mental illness, has done things that you regret, are currently being abusive but want to be better, it is possible to get help. Something I learned about getting healthy from drugs and abuse is that it starts with one day that turns into two days that turns into a week which turns into a month which turns into a year and it’s been a long 4 years for me. And I still struggle with my Bipolar and BPD and feeling angry.
I still have meltdowns and lash out when I’m feeling bad mentally but have been able to control it better than I have in my past. I was so self-destructive I just wanted to push people away and make people hate me as much as possible so I could just fuck off and die. But I want to be a good person and have continued on that path of rehabilitation that sometimes feels impossible. Having mental illness is awful. It can warp you into being someone you don’t want to be and keep you there. And the voices and the anger can consume you so easily. I still spend days feeling so angry and destructive and I don’t think those feelings will ever leave me. But I can control them with my treatment.
But it’s hard. I feel like such a fucking failure and I have millions of people listening but feel like people like my art but hate me. That’s partially my BPD talking because I have this obsession of wanting everyone to like me which I know isn’t possible, but I wish people knew I have changed and want to be good. It’s just like this anger I feel that takes over my mind and I feel hot and want to break shit and hurt myself and say horrible things and hurt those around me. But I don’t do that anymore but the guilt I feel from doing that is so hard that even after 4 years I still feel like these things have just happened. I have so much love and support in my life but my mental illness tells me I’m alone and that I will die alone - A nobody that people will be glad is gone because I never had value in the first place. And I see that in my emails I get from people who feel the same and that breaks my heart.
I just want my brain to be normal and to be happy. I just want to be happy so bad. I used to be such a happy person, but as I got older, I became someone I hated and the light I had in me faded away. But I know I can’t give up and people depend on me and find inspiration in McCafferty. I can’t tell you how bad I wish I was a band that could tour and have a huge social media following but I just can’t. My mental illness puts my dreams on the shelf and has for a long time. But I am happy with what I can do with McCafferty.
I’m able to write songs that connect with people and I’m playing my first show in 5 years and I’m fucking terrified to play it. I’m worried people will boo me and make fun of me but I’m choosing to be strong and positive and want to make a fantastic memory and meet everyone at the show and let them know they aren’t alone and I feel how they feel and that McCafferty is meant for imperfect people. I am an imperfect person with a terrible past, but I think it’s time I start living for my future. 4 years clean and into treatment, my therapist and psychologist will be at the show in March and I can’t wait to see them. 4 years clean is a lot of pressure because one bad move, one bad day can reset everything. I am a good person and have so much love to give this world and want to help people and I won’t ever give up.
My Bipolar and BPD may control my life but it doesn’t define me. I just wonder, am I really a good person? Do I really deserve love? Will I be okay? Will I survive my mental illness? Just know you aren’t alone and McCafferty is meant for those who want to be better. I love you all and am so thankful for you.
If you want to send me a message. It’s easier for me to respond on Instagram than email so feel free to. My Instagram is @nickhartkop_mccafferty
-Nick