January 28, 2022 (Emails/Reflection)

I wanted to make a post letting anyone who has sent a message know that I haven't gotten around to any emails since December 1st, 2021. I have over 200 emails currently in my inbox that my team has sent and my goal is to start answering them on Monday, January 31, 2022. If you have emailed in, I will get back to you.

The last two months I have been struggling mentally around my purpose in life and moving forward from my abusive past. I have been to rehab twice and in therapy every single day for the last two years, and I still feel like an utter failure who is going to be sent to hell. I am scared when I die God is going to damn me and send me to a lake of fire. My Bipolar and Borderline tell me I am the person that people say I am online, but my heart feels deeply for people who are hurting and want to help people. I need to know if it is possible to have failed greatly in life and become a good person. Is it possible for me to be the person I want to be? I think I am a good person who has had a lot of mental illness, anger, and public struggles, but I don't want my story to stop there. I wish there was a clear pathway to redemption. Everyone has times in their life they aren't proud of, and regrets that make their skin crawl, but it took me a lot of education and reprogramming of my morals and behavior to see the world as I should have and to live life healthily.

It feels weird because I don't feel like the person I was anymore, but my past haunts me every day. I want to find peace, and I think continuing to do music and express myself allows me to do that. Being in therapy, being active in my mental health and being accountable for the things I say and do will allow me to move forward and not be stuck in what was, but to see what is and what will become of me. I want my family to love me. I have been trying to rebuild my relationship with my parents and make up for abandoning them in favor of drugs and destruction. I want my father to know I think he is a good man who gave me the best life he could, and I want my mother to know I forgive her and love her deeply.

I was a horrible sibling growing up and pushed my sister and brother away by being verbally abusive, and I don't want to die without seeing them again. I haven't talked to them or seen them in years and I still think about my little sister every day. I think about rehab a lot and the people who I met there that were suffering so deeply, and how it felt to hold hands with them and cry. I also have been thinking about when I crashed my car while overdosing and was so out of it that I kept telling the police and hospital workers that my partner was my mom, Jo-Ann. I don't remember being in the hospital after overdosing, but I'm told I called her Jo-Ann every time I saw her. I miss my mom so much. I love my partner so much.

As someone who has struggled with killing themselves it sounds weird to say I love living. I love being alive and love watching the sun rise. I love driving for coffee in the morning and watching all the cars with people passing by and wonder if they are happy and have struggles similar to myself.

So I need to ask myself this question, when does my life begin and how do I right the wrongs of my past? I want to be good. I want to be loved. I am afraid of being forgotten. I am afraid of my mental illness. I am afraid of my anger. I am afraid of being hated and made fun of.

I want to be a good person and I don't want to go to hell. I feel grateful to have the life I do and to create, and I feel thankful for McCafferty.

Nick

January 24, 2022 (Ugly Duckling Lyrics)

For this song I wanted to make something that sounded like my old material- low-fi but have a lot of energy. I miss the way those songs sounded from around 2012 and the live feel they had. There was something special about that feeling. I included references to other songs from over the years that I hope people are able to pick out. My favorite lyric is, “I miss you so much that it fuckin hurts, It’s like I've got barbed wire in my chest comin through my shirt, and when I hold someone it goes from my chest into theirs.” I like the imagery of it and because I feel like I cause pain to people I hold close. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. To me it sounds like a song that would be on Dancebeats and I think that’s a nice change from how clean and produced my later stuff became. I wanted this to sound like I was playing live at a house show. I like the “ohhh” chants and the chants on the “sorry I'm late” I think the chants in general on this song are some of my favorite. I think they add a group energy that’s fun and upbeat. I hope you enjoy the song too, it should be on Spotify in the next couple days so keep an eye out. The last couple of months I have been struggling mentally and have decided to break up the recording process for the songs I have written and releasing them as singles, not all at once for a CD. I need to remain healthy and to be honest being in the studio was causing me a lot of anxiety and I wasn't able to commit to the entire week. I was able to do Ugly and Cheetah so those will be the two I am releasing. Cheetah Print Bag will be up later this week/Next week, and then I’ll be taking a break until I feel well enough to head back to record. So, essentially it’ll be a bunch of singles then put into an album.

I want to be a good person so badly and make a positive impact with my time here. I have a good heart and good intentions and want to be a better person than I was in my past. Getting treatment for my BPD/Bipolar has changed me a lot and I have been educated in ways that have helped me become a more empathetic person. I have so much shame, regret and embarrassment revolving around my failures, but through my treatment and support systems I will remain a healthy person who stands for what’s right in my heart. I am blessed to have the love and support I do and I want to make people happy and feel understood.

Nick Hartkop

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Ugly Duckling Lyrics

Breakneck speeds with breakneck lives

With break-breakneck choices in the night

You've got two black eyes and bruised up thighs

He said, "I can fight if you can fight"

You know, I would be alright if I could make you mine

These can fix your brain if you just give it time

We can take it slow or can take it fast, either way I know that this will never last

Fuck you, then you fucked me and ruined everything

I felt trapped in our home, so I ran away

Your soul looked so pretty on outside

But on the inside, oh on the inside...

Missed you missed you, he asked "Can I kiss you?"

Love will always end in pain so please go get your tissues

Missed me missed me, I know that you hate me

Maybe he will love me, if I let you berate me

Missed you missed you, he asked "Can I kiss you?"

Love will always end in pain so please go get your tissues

Missed me missed me, I know that you hate me

Maybe he will love you, if I let you berate me

Can I please stay for a glass of wine?

Can I keep this book out if I pay the fine?

Her body gets weaker with the passing time

She said, "I can see my mom" as she died

I miss you so much that it fuckin' hurts

It's like I've got barbed wire in my chest comin' through my shirt

and when I hold someone it goes from my chest into theirs

Their heart, their mind, their dreams are mine

Alright (Alright)

Ten years ago I took you home

The poem that I wrote you couldn't leave my throat

Regret the day you walked away

Sorry I'm late

Be brave for me

drink up with me

smoke up with me

shoot up with me

Looked up to me.

Wild and free, feels meant to be

You know, there's towns to see and snakes in trees

With shaky knees, the ugly duckling drowned inside the stream

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January 13, 2022 (Poem)

Who am I going to be today?

By Nick Hartkop

Two sides of the same coin

One of kindness, one of anger

Who am I going to be today?

The clouds clear inside my brain

That keep the light from shining through

Angers voice is louder than loves whispers

For holes in walls to be patched up

And painted over with a smile

The same smile that turns sour when the thoughts set in

The emptiness in my brain

The words that cause pain

Two sides of the same coin

Happy and sad

Lonely and in love

I push people away who want me to stay

But I feel that something is beginning to change

My heart begins to connect with my thoughts

The good ones not the bad

Do I have thoughts that are good?

Am I a good thought?

I don’t feel like a monster

But my reflection shows a wolf

Sometimes I break glass and I cry

Sometimes I cry because I can’t figure out what to say

Sometimes I spit fire with my tongue when I think I do.

Who am I going to be today?

Two sides of the same coin

What if we can’t find each other after we die?

We will because I can feel your energy