February 24, 2022 (Struggles/Album Update)

I've been feeling really lost in my life and having an identity crisis because I am getting older. I am at a crossroads of trying to figure out who I am as a person and what my future looks like. Do you know that feeling you get right before you fall? Like that weightless feeling in your stomach as you prepare for impact--that is what it feels like for me. It feels like I have a bunch of copper wire in my stomach that I can't untangle and my brain feels like I am a failure. I have a lot of dreams for myself as a writer and a person and I am worried I am running out of time. Sometimes I feel like my life is over and I am just wrapping up what I have left before I die.

I have been struggling with self-harm and wanting to kill myself and sometimes I feel like I have no choice but to kill myself. Like I am just surviving day to day before I finally say, "Today's the day." I get scared of being forgotten because I don't want people to forget about me because it makes me feel meaningless. I wish I could flash forward a couple years and see if I am happy and content with my life. I had an issue of sleeping all the time because I liked being in my dreams more than the crushing weight of reality, but I have been waking up earlier because I am afraid of the dark and want to be in the sun as much as possible.

I have all the blinds open in my home and sit by the window a lot because the sun makes me feel like it's not time to kill myself. The worst is when it's nighttime and I can't sleep and my partner is asleep. I usually just stare at the ceiling recounting all my failures and thinking about how much of a failure and useless I am. I wish there was a straightforward path to redemption for me so people would know I am a good person who has had a lot of external mental struggles but is good in my heart. Alongside my medication for BPD/BP and my treatment I take Prazosin for PTSD. It helps me but sometimes I feel so scared.

I have been crying a lot and want to be a strong person. But I don't know how to be strong and I feel very weak and pathetic. I don't want my life to be meaningless and to just be a cog in the machine of some company I have to work for to survive. I have never been good at work and holding a job. I had a problem of creating issues where there were none and being externally aggressive because of my own insecurities. I am such a paranoid neurotic person and used to be incredibly narcissistic. It's something I have worked on in therapy but I am still struggling with internally. I am just so afraid of being forgotten and disappearing into nothingness.

I know I want to have a family, but I still feel like I haven't accomplished what I want to as a young adult. The years have gone by so fast and I feel like I have been left behind and everyone else my age is successful with families and careers and I am still sleeping cuddling stuffed animals crying. It is a really embarrassing thing to admit but I still feel like a little kid. So I am asking the universe for the strength to be the person I want to be. I want to own the failures I have had and be the person I want to be. It has been two years of treatment that has allowed me to change as a person, but I am not the person I need to be yet. I need to be strong.

I just want to find happiness and peace and help people. I want to be a good person and live an adult life filled with purpose and love. I am a good person in my heart. I am not just a bunch of failures and hurtful words. I don't want to kill myself and I want to figure out how to stop the countdown to it. I want to have children and give them the life I wish I had growing up. I want to be strong for the people around me and I feel selfish feeling this way. I feel embarrassed of this blog because I don't feel like I am able to come across professionally today because of the struggles I am having in my head. I want to find happiness, is it possible to find happiness?

I'm recording my next song, Salish, on March 5th. Out of the 3 songs that I will have done for the album so far it is my favorite. I think it's the best song I've written in years and I am really proud of it. It makes me cry when I listen/play it and I hope it connects with anyone who listens to it. I think it has a good mixture of acoustic, drums, synth, electric guitar and horns. I hope to have it out mid-March. I have been focusing on finishing up my screenplay that I will be submitting for publication and self-publishing. It is 117 pages, so about a minute per page making it around a 2-hour film. I will be making a post dedicated to discussing it the closer it gets to release, I am on my 4th rewrite of it because I want to make sure it is the best it can be.

I hope anyone who is struggling and reads this blog knows that I understand the darkness and pain you feel. I also hope you know your life has meaning and I am glad you are here. I will continue to try to show the world I am a good person and that I have love and life to give. I know everyone wants to find happiness and I hope I find mine. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Nick

February 13, 2022 (Reflection)

It is not possible to erase memories or change the past, but you can stop old behavior patterns, decrease the intensity of blind reactions, learn to embrace change, accept all emotions that come up, build self-awareness, and strengthen good habits. Healing is intentional action plus time

This quote speaks to me in regards to my treatment of BPD/Bipolar. I feel sickness and anguish over my past failures, and I carry embarrassment that is hard to manage, but I have worked incredibly hard at becoming educated and a good person over the last couple of years and am proud of the person I have become/am. I am capable of good, of being normal, of living healthily, of using my lowest points to better myself, to be a good partner, to see the best in others, to love deeply, to be empathetic, to be accountable, to be a friend, to put others before myself, to think deeply, to reflect daily, and to want the best for myself and other people, and to help people who are struggling like I am. I am thankful for my treatment, my therapist, my psychiatrist, my family, and for the opportunities to be the person I want to be. I want to be a good person and I want to show the world that. I want to be the best version of myself.

Nick

February 13, 2022 (Cheetah Print Bag Lyrics)

For Cheetah Print Bag I wanted to do an acoustic song like I did for my older material, meaning a live take with no metronome. I was debating if I wanted it to be as raw as it is because the vocals sound very uncontrolled and I am out of breath at times, but I always prefer live sounding music to super produced material. I wanted the theme of the song to revolve around parental struggles with hopeless love and the wanting of acceptance. I think a lot about dying and I wonder if I will make it to heaven, if there even is a heaven at all. I hope there is because I am selfish and scared of there being nothing, but regardless we all are going to find out someday. I head back into the studio on March 5th and 12th, so I am going to try to do the next two songs then and will hopefully release them next month. I am still replying to all the emails I have been receiving and I apologize for the late responses, I should be caught up by the end of this upcoming week. I've been focusing on my treatment for Bipolar/BPD and being a good person in my day-to-day life, and I want to leave a positive impact with the time I have here and be someone that people are proud of and like to be around. It is important to me to be a good person, and I feel like one in my heart, so I want to display those qualities and be the best possible version of myself. I hope that you enjoy the song, and I am incredibly grateful to anyone who listens. Feel free to send a message and I will try to get back to you this week.

Nick Hartkop

Cheetah Print Bag Lyrics:

The child’s arms were so thin that they looked like sticks I bet that Jesus Christ would think the crucifix was funny I wonder if he tells that story at his parties, the ones in heaven that I’ll never get to see Motherfucker Rain pour down on my face, I taste blood, and it tastes good His casket was open in the ground he went. I let you suck my soul from my mouth into your heart at one point we were two separate bodies, but now one that’ll never part I can feel the anchor that’s stuck in the ocean floor from this ship I can’t escape this feeling that I’m drowning deep down in the pit Love note that she left in her locker, If I could, I would make you mine Carousel lit with color, we’re dead but we feel fine Dark room that is lit by a candle, spirits can you hear my cry? Cheetah print bag on her shoulder, my mom died around this time last year, she was Drunk and was angry Like her mother was too I remember when she took me on the Ferris wheel and bought me those balloons And I remember the way her face looked when she would tell me she needed a drink Come on mom , Come on mom, you don't need a drink Rain pour down on my face

I taste blood and it tastes good his casket was open in the ground she went Love note that she left in her locker, if I could, I would make you mine Carousel lit with color, we’re dead but we feel fine Dark room that is lit by a candle, spirits can you hear my cry? Cheetah print bag on her shoulder, my mom died around this time last year, she was drunk and was angry like her mother was too I remember when she took me on the Ferris wheel and bought me those balloons And I remember the way her face looked when she would tell me she needed a drink Come on mom, come on mom, you don't need a drink Love note that she left in her locker, if I could, I would make you mine Carousel lit with color, we’re dead but we feel fine Dark room that is lit by a candle, spirits can you hear my cry? Cheetah print bag on her shoulder, my mom died around this time Hey, I wanted to call and say I had a dream about you and dad when we used to live on Debbie drive. I was playing in the back yard with Lou and thinking about that time when Nathaniel climbed those pine trees and fell out and hurt his arm. I remember Isabella playing with Polly pockets and I think about how horrible I was to her. I wish I could go back in time and drive to Blockbuster with mom and take that old road on Granger that deer ran across when it was foggy out. I wish We could go fly kites at the Achievement Center and ride our bikes around that lake I thought about drowning myself in. I wish I could mow the yard again and see Lady up in the window barking at nothing, and I wish I could hear the doorbell ring when Lane would come over and we’d complain about how bored we were, and I wish I wasn’t so lost in my life right now. I can’t seem to find peace in all this, but I want to. I don’t know if God is listening but if he is I need help