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February marks 6 years since I’ve started treatment for my Bipolar 1 and BPD! I wanted to make a video covering my past, what it’s like to live with Bipolar and my life. If you could check it out and share it that would be awesome. Sending love to everyone.
-Nick
Happy Holidays everyone! It's been a while since my last blog and I wanted to give everyone a little update about my life and McCafferty going forward. Mentally, I have been doing really well. I’m on a steady regime of medication for my bipolar and BPD and I’ve been living a safe healthy life for almost 6 years now. I have been blessed with a support system through my wife and therapist/psychiatrist that has really helped shape myself into a better person. I am so grateful for them both. Regarding music, I have been burnt out for a long time from writing so many McCafferty songs. I think I have around 120ish songs on Spotify as of now and that encompasses my entire life from 2010 until now.
I have lost a lot of passion for music and it's not something I do everyday now because it doesn’t give me fulfillment. Before I was medicated, I would write every single day when I was manic, but my medication has curbed my mania and I don’t feel like writing as often. That’s also because when I write I go into a dark headspace that is communicated by my lyrics and songs and it's hard to be in that mindset a lot. I also feel very accomplished with McCafferty and don’t feel like I have to prove anything to myself anymore. I have very bad self-esteem and feel like a failure in my life with McCafferty. I see other bands my size thriving and going on exciting tours and have tons of fans and that’s just not something I am able to do with my mental illness. I am incapable of touring and I do not like playing shows and I really struggle with that, but I have started to come to terms with it and that mixed with my past just weighs heavy on my heart a lot of the time. But I have so many blessings in my life and McCafferty is thriving despite my setbacks. I got around 130,000,000 streams this year which is an incomprehensible number to me. My music has become so much bigger than me and it’s an incredible feeling. I just want everyone that listens to know how much I appreciate them and truly truly want to thank each and everyone of you.
McCafferty has always been a story about my life, from my worst moments, to my greatest. It has documented every step of the way from being a mentally ill teenager, to a full grown adult with a family (while still being mentally ill). That is really cool to me. I started putting out McCafferty songs when I was 16 years old (Drop From Our Windows being my first song in 2010) and now I am 33 years old and it seems like my music is just starting to catch on with a solid listening fanbase. That really excites me because I feel like I captured my youth in a way that other kids can relate to, even though I have left adolescence now. I see myself as someone who has had a lot of success and failure and can be a mentor to other young aspiring musicians and to people who also struggle.
I wish I could say mental illness gets better as you get older, but the truth is that it doesn’t, and in a lot of ways it gets worse. I used to struggle with drugs as a coping mechanism, like many people with bipolar do, and it took a lot of active willingness to want to change and become a good person and an adult to break my cycles of abuse. If I hadn’t changed, I would be dead by now. I think about death a lot, pretty much everyday all day, and I think about what people will say about me when I’m gone and what my legacy will be. I want to treat people with respect and love so that when I pass they feel as though I was a good person. I feel like McCafferty will live on long after I am gone and that makes me really happy. If you are someone who struggles mentally or with addiction, just know that I understand and sympathize with you. You are not alone and McCafferty can be a safe space for you in your worst moments, just as it has been for me. I love everyone who listens so much and you all give my life so much purpose. I hope everyone has a great rest of their year and always feel free to shoot me a message.
Sincerely,
Nick Hartkop AKA McCafferty
Our vow renewal of 8 years (and official wedding!! We couldn't afford one when we initially got married) is November 13th 2025 and 50 McCafferty fans are joining us to celebrate!
I uploaded a short 3 song EP of live acoustic phone demos with a spoken word intro that I will be performing for everyone! I chose to do phone recordings because that will be the closest to what it sounds like live, and if you are coming you can learn the songs and sing along! If you can't make it I still hope you enjoy them.
They are full of heart. Which I feel like sums up most of my music. I've also developed horrible arthritis in my elbows and fingers over the last 5 years and can barely hold chords anymore. So the songs are rough, but I feel like a lot of McCafferty's charm comes from it being sloppy. I wish I could perform more than 3 songs but it's just not possible for me anymore. I cannot wait for the wedding and to see you all soon!
We will have lots of videos and photos from the wedding as well!!!
Nick